Yes
Life of Nilanjan(me)[ This is the first time i revealed my identity here till now i was writing by the name River of sorrow] is full of sorrows. never will he have true long lasting happiness ever.
My last post was on May 24th 2010
6 days before 30th May 2010.
U must remember i hav talked about a girl i met on facebook and we became good friends on Fb itself and how gradually we exchanged phone numbers and started growing our friendship.
and How i madly fell in love with her.
It was 30th May i expressed my feelings to her that to on phone
we started talking on 29th may 12 30 am
and on 30th May 3 10 am i expressed my feelings to her
well everything was going pretty well after that
I now have her in my life
Though i just seen her pic and heard her voice but when i talk with her on phone i feel like i know her since ages.
to be honest i was the happiest person on earth. we talked we chated on Fb
we decided to meet on 19th June but my life is cursed na??
i am a bloody looser that didn happen due to some reasons on her part,.
I was so in love with her that i didn question her and hoped we will meet again .
gradually 1 month passed since we were in a relation. .then i sensed that love from her part is gradually depleting .
You know by this time i added one of her childhood friends and i used to talk with her
on 1st july 2010 i was talking with her friend on FB and was asking her whether she has recently talked with rai or not as she haven't replied to any of my texts for a long time.
(*Rite now i am stressing my brain to the limit and thinking about each and every moment, and i am feeling really low thats why i am sharing with my readers if there are any but i feel a lot relieved after i type down my feelings*)
Yes back to the story
Her friend told me that she might be thinking about the relation whether its true love or not.
that was the moment the biggest test of mine i failed it and from then i failed every test of love.
that night after repeated texts of mine she said " my parents are not well so i couldnt reply" basss thats all it was . no more texts that night
Later that night i text ed her " Do you love me the same way as I do??"
more than once
she didn reply so i gave up
i didn text
then on 2nd July (dooms day for me) which lasted for many days and may be its still going on .
on 2nd July morn i texted her " what have i done to offend you? what is wrong with you ? why dont you reply?"
(*let me tell you guys we text more than we talk on phone coz max time i call her either she dosent answer the call or her cell is off*)
After many hours came the reply
" i have got bashing from my parents as they came to know about my relation ship status my mother saw all the texts u sent"
in the following texts i completely supported her
i constantly told her "Its not over , just let me talk to you just receive my call listen to me everything would be allright"
But she was like not ready to listen to me
she was in the same swing of mind
"no i cant talk with you and all that"
we texted that day and i asked her its not over things will work out
reply came " It will be re , but promise me we will be friends??"
Now what the Fuck just happened now . i was in a state o shock
are we on the verge of break up???
is this true???
is this a nightmare??
all these wildest thoughts were coming to my head
I had no idea what to react
then no texting
(dooms day still continuing, ruining all the happiness in my life)
next day from morning to evening i texted her arrnd 100 times no reply
then i had one option
facebook message
i wish i could share all the messages with you on fb but certain things shld remain personal
but i can tell u some of the imp things
i sent her a huge message straight from my heart expressing every square inch of pains and saying it to her that just give me a chance to talk with you i can assure you everything s gonna be all rite, in fact i begged her
(those of you who know me personally knows this that My height may be short but in my 19 years of life i never begged anything from anyone i never let my head down to anyone other than my parents.
I dnt know what heppend i started pleading mercy to her)
to which the reply came
"I request you please dont text me"
now i rest this judgement to you guys
*You love a person more than you love yourself there has been a problem in the relation and all u said to her was that ""we can fight this situation together and can escape out of all odds"" and what do u get in return from her ""I request you please dont text me"" ???? so just imagine my condition the series of pain that i was going through*
Then came the worst of all
she msged me on FB "" I know this is hard for me to tell You but i am happy being single we are through i am through with whatever i said to you ""
now i sensed a feeling of disrespect
she had to break this up that too through FACEBOOK message?? she could atleast hav the decency to say it to me on phone but no
Then i sensed the real thing which might not be as real as i thought
i was literary crying
(*Just imagine NILANJAN was crying reason : coz a girl left him the girl whom he loved more than his life *)
i was just looking at her and mine relation ship status which still showed IN A RELATIONSHIP with each of our names and her message the next three days of my was spent like i was in an alien world i knew know one arrnd me all the surroundings of my room was looking hostile . i was feeling suicidal
this pain was even more pain full than it was when i wrote this
Why is it always me???
*let me tell you i stay all alone on the top floor of my house my grand mother(mothers side) and my uncle on the 1st
and tenants on the ground my father is posted outside my mother stays with him*
i needed my parents more than anything else
i dont know what happened i just received a call from my mother just at that time . I behaved with her like i was talking to a begger even worse
i was extremely rude with her
she sensed something is definitely wrong. She asked me repeatedly what was wrong finally i told her EVERYTHING from A to Z.
I was surprised to hear that se was not mad at me but she supported me,.
any ways leaving this part
three days passed by she didn come online then the relation ship was still there on facebook everyone saw that we are still in a relation
i decided to put an end to it
i changed my status to single at the same time my name from her relation ship status was rubbed off.
then came the interruption from my friends(*till now i trusted her i took her reason to be genuine*)
my friends called me up
i didn pick up but after 10 20 missed calls from many of my friends i had to pick up to my surprise they arranged a conf call they took it very seriously coz all of them knew me very well and how seriously I loved her
after hearing my explanation all of them had the same say their opinion " she bloody lied to you she never loved you she just wanted an excuse to dump you. Even if her mom saw all the sms es u sent and came to know abt you guyz and if she genuinely loved you she would hav looked for ample opportunities to call you and would hav asked for your support which you were ready to give instead of that she insulted you by not only messaging you but by hurting you to the extreme point by breaking up with you, if she genuinely loved you she would hav atleast talked with you shared her pains with you "
i couldnt hear all these i just screamed and said to them " Just shut up i cant hear anymore of this and i dont have any right to stay alive " after that ii disconnected the phone and switched it off
my head was buzzing
i hav high BP normally and that point i think it crossed the limit
i started bleeding from my nose which i experienced earlier also(2yrs back) but that was ultra minor this time my head was spinning
i thght my end was near i looked at the watch 8th july 9 30 pm
from that time i dont remember a thing
everything was white i reallythght i was dead
the next time i opened my eyes it was 9th july 10 am infront of me was my family doc 2 of my friends with whom i talked last day and my parents(who just arrived to kol) and my grnd mother and uncle.
later after asking my friends i found out that the found my cell off for a long time which is quite unlikely of me as I NEVER put my cell off so they somehow found out my parents number and as they knew my house they arrived to my house.
they arrived my house at 12 am on 8th july saw me lying down on the floor drained with blood from my nose . they immidiately called my parents in the mean time when my grandmother saw my friends at that hour all of them came upstairs she called up the doctor . I lost considerable amnt of blood at that time and if my friends didn come on time i shldnt hav been typing this. .
my blood grp is A+ one frnd donated blood to me . and saved my life.
there has been lots of changes in my life in the last couple of weeks.
the idea came to one of my friends who is quite regular on FACEBOOK.
He told me "that girl has o feelings for you u would hav been dead for that girl and yet u love her????"
i remained silent
(*i still love even now every second every breath *)
i was still in a trance state i didn speak much after i was resurrected from death . i listend to everything he said
He said " her motive is to hurt you girls like her becomes emotionally attached with boys or to be precise let boys be emotionally attached with her and then dump that guy driving him mad and let him become a devdas and this time she had the success of her life time by nearly killing some one without even getting her hands dirty u must seek revenge on her even if its virtual"
i know what ever his plan he suggested was just a complete bakwaas but i didn hav the state of mind to judge what was rite what was wrong .
but somehow i didn speak much through my mouth but let my fingers speak through keyboard.
so the plan was to create another FAKE virtual Gf of mine as Rai didn know what ever happend with me and she might be under the impression that
" ha ha ha another boy the victim of my acting of love" and seeing that i am in a relation with another one within 1 week of break up would make me a player in her eyes and make her feel like a looser,.
(*DAAMN I FEEL LIKE SCREAMING NOW WHAT WAS I THINKING THAT I ACCEPTED SUCH A RIDICULOUS PLAN INSTEAD OF BEING BY HER SIDE I WAS PLOTTING AGAINST HER?????????? WHY WAS I SAVED FROM DEATH TO FACE EVEN THE WORSE OF HAPPENNINGS THAT CAME AFTER THIS?*)
so this acting continued for another 1 week fake profile was created in such a way that no one can think its a fake
so from that fake profile deliberately sweet love msgs were posted openly in the fb wall intending to show RAI
but things took a diff turn
i was starting to getover this one fine day from morning i again started to cry i was thinking abt rai again and again i missed her voice so much i missed her,
just imagine i never saw her face to face but i love her like anything . i Still do love her.
then that night i was watching TV
sms came from her(rai)
Cngrts
daamn seeing her name in my inbox as an unread msg after almost a month was like seeing water for a thirsty traveller in the middle of a desert
watever happened after that was history
i maintained my calm and said
" i am not serious with this one as i was serious once but i got nothing "
her - " huh as if i got loads of happiness..... any ways nandini(fake gf) loves you dont hurt her"
me - " did i ever hurt you???? i dont think so but still i got hurt "
her - " i texted to to wish well thats it dont hurt her Good night "
that was a turning back time
maan the hidden love suddenly sprang alive and i started to love her all over again
(* I LOVE YOU RAI AND HAVE NO REGRETS SAYING THIS TO YOU IN FRONT OF THE WHOLE WORLD WHICH I AM DOING NOW
I LOVE YOU SERIOUSLY *)
the next day i sent her a huge message on fb
stating her all the truth that happened even this nandini is a fake
it took me a time to make her belief that nandini is fake
she said to me
that
" u broke up all ties with me u didn text me when i needed you to be by my side the most i knew that u will do such stupid things but if i haven't maintained my calm i would hav killed myself "
my initial reaction (:O what i broke all ties with you??? or is it the other way round she was the one who requested me not to text not to call even not to send msg in FB)
i "requested" her lets forget the past and start afresh to which she replied " i need some time to heal" from then we just acted normal like we used to before 30th may may be less than normal texting was not frequent like it used to be
so by the end o that week it was kind of normal.
Now comes the biggest part
21st July 2010 10 :10 pm according to my cell phone clock
we spoke again on phone after a gap of 1 and a half months
her voice touched my heart again
instantly i felt rejuvenated
then we made a plan of meeting to which she accepted and said pakka meet korbo
24th july saturday we decided to meet at a place.i didn make anyplans what will i do and alll but i was determined that i will express my feelings to her this time face to face.
when i say her coming down the streets smiling at me and waving seriously(it may sound filmy) the crowds in the streets disappeared i was only seeing her
so we decided to walk as she already told me that we wont sit on any shops(CAFE COFFEE DAY) i dont know why
so we walked a long way talking well i was spell bound
i couldn't actually utter a word i was kind of happy i was seeing a molecule of green in my life after the destruction of the happy green forests on the 2nd of July 2010
well we walked and talked actually she only did much of talking all i did was to look in her eyes
her eyes are so beautiful that i get lost in it i even said her that
i feel that her eyes hav a ocean hidden it that i get lost in that deep blue ocean
.
i was trying hard to tell her that
but she didn hav much time as she has a class from 3 pm
and it was already 2 15
so we walked stood arrnd dakhinapan it was raining quite heavily so she was obviously late it was already 3 pm and we cant get out coz of the rain
bloody stupid me
i started the topic at that moment
when she was in a hurry
she immediately stopped me by saying (" dont start this now we will talk about this later ")
hmmmm(sigh)
never mind
i was shy all the way i didn speak much
all i was doing all the way was looking at her beautiful face her beautiful eyes
so the rain stopped gradually we then talked about other things and i dropped her to her class i shook her hands and waved bye(toodles) as she like to say
i still have the feeling in my hand the feeling of touching her hand
So she walked away to her class i also had some work i went there .
that was yesterday
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Lets not say what my condition is today(25th July 2010)
as i didn get a single reply from her since this morning
just got two replies last night
THATS IT
Well i always try to console my self by saying " dont cry over soilled milk" ; " Time is the best healer u will be healed gradually as time passes"
u know what true love increases with the increase of time and distance and so does the pain
I have one thing to say
If i deserve her she will be mine
but if she rejects me just coz my height is not as much as others then i shld saay she dosent deserve me coz i had a relation in the past she dumped me coz of some muscular 6 feet tall guy.
and i am not a dwarf i can show you many ppl of my age(male) who are shorter than me.
so i dont like it if some one comments on my height
THE END(as of now)
P.S 1.Certain things are not mentioned here just to maintain privacy.
2. And for you Rai i relly have no grudge against you i loved you i still love you and will always love you. I wish you all the best in life may you get whatever you want wat ever you desire .
Well may be for a short span of time u made me smile and made me happy and showed me what love is like.
well if love is like this then i pray i will never fall in love.
"Toodles" as u like to say :)
You may think that i am not the right person for you but in the future u may find many persons and they will just use you and u will love that person more than yourself i now know the hard truth RAI
and that person wont love you even 1 bit. Perhaps it was my mistake
i shldnt have loved you
and shldnt hav met u even
Love you
Missing you :)
